I recently read Dr. Leman’s book, Sheet Music, as part of what I am terming a “home pre-marital counseling” course. That basically means that my fiancé and I are reading books and working through questions with each other, and to some degree our parents as well (though this has been tricky with relations between our families being what they are, but that’s another conversation). This book had a good basic principle—that sex is an important part of a good, healthy marriage relationship—but I disagreed with some of his other major implied or unstated assumptions. I feel that this book still has much to offer to many conservative Christian couples, but for those whose theology and lifestyle is much less conservative, especially those of the younger generations, this book may leave some to be desired.
What I most appreciated about Dr. Leman’s book and his approach therein was his utter frankness on his topic and his basic principle that sex is very important to a marriage. It was great that he was so open on the subject! If you try to write a book about something like sex without any frank or even occasional explicit comments, you are going to spend most of the book skirting around your main topic, which is just absurd. I also liked that he encouraged couples—especially conservative Christian couples, since they are his main audience—to talk more, explore more, and not get stuck in a negative cycle that is unsatisfying to either or both partners. Essentially, the best thing about his book is that he is one of the few very respected conservative Christian writers who will encourage not just having sex but making it satisfying and enjoyable for both parties.
There were, however, several major assumptions and implications in many of Dr. Leman’s statements, arguments, and beliefs that I strongly disagreed with, even though I understand why he approached his topic from that particular stance. For instance, he said that men should “help out” around the house to keep their wives from being too tired for sex; but especially when he acknowledges that many couples are both employed why is it her job that he is just helping out with? I feel that house work should be dual responsibility. Even in a traditional household where he goes off to work in the morning, by the time he gets home from work she’s probably put in about as many hours of work as he has so why shouldn’t the responsibility when they are both home belong to both of them?
Also he expressed, mostly through implications, a fairly repressed or at least antiquated view of female sexuality. For one thing, he discussed several times the need that sex is for many men, but he never once acknowledged that sex is a need for many women as well. Granted, if your audience is primarily conservative Christians than the sexual urge has probably been repressed to death (or hibernation at least) in most of those women. Also he acknowledged male masturbation fairly on in his book, even encouraged it for engaged men as a way of practicing holding off orgasm longer; but for women, he only discussed it as a sort of last resort if she can’t orgasm during partnered sex. He even tried to say that it wasn’t the same as masturbation because she won’t be doing it for her own pleasure, but to be better in bed for her husband!
So, while this book has much to offer many conservative Christian couples, for those like my fiancé and me while there were some very good principles emphasized in the book, I feel I have learned those principles just as much from watching my parents’ amazing, beautiful, strong relationship over the last twenty-five years.